How to Discuss Bullying and Conflict at La Garenne school
When parents ask me whether their child will be safe at La Garenne school, I do not start with handbooks. I start with faces. In an international boarding house, the handbook can say “zero tolerance,” but a ten-year-old does not read policy. She notices who sits next to her at breakfast, who gets picked last, which boy laughs too loudly when someone drops a fork. A good school is built out of those small observations, and that is why a personal approach matters more than a slogan.
Why a policy document is not enough
I have worked long enough in boarding communities to know that conflict does not always arrive as a dramatic incident. It often slips in sideways. A child stops coming down for breakfast. Two boys become suddenly very helpful in the stables, but one never gets the saddle. A girl asks to switch houses “because I hate the wallpaper.” Maybe she hates the wallpaper. Maybe not. Small classes of eight or twelve students make this easier to notice, but only if the adults are truly present.
| Boarding moment | What adults might miss | What a personal approach sees |
|---|---|---|
| Morning rise, 7:30 | Child is “lazy” or “rude” for not coming down | He has been awake at 3 a.m. after a group chat excluded him |
| Horse riding week | Stable chores are boring, so someone avoids them | She is being “helped” into the unpopular task by a clique, and no one asks her |
| Exam preparation | Snapping at house-parent is disrespect | The child is frightened of failing Swiss Matura, IB, or an American diploma and is losing sleep |
That difference changes everything. A punishment can make the morning incident disappear for a day. A conversation can make it make sense. If the child is known well enough, the house-parent can say, “You missed breakfast three times this week. Did something happen after lights out?” Not “Why are you causing trouble?” The wording is small. The child feels it.
Talking with a child without turning it into an interrogation
Parents often ask me how to raise the topic of bullying without scaring their child. Honestly, I do not like the word “bullying” as a first question. It can sound like a diagnosis, and children freeze. In my experience, it is better to start with the body and the day. Where did your feet hurt today? Who made you laugh? Who made you feel small? Which place in the school feels easy, and which one feels like walking on ice? In a community with children from thirty or more countries, these questions also help a staff member hear what the child cannot say in English yet. For conflict resolution, I prefer repair over performance. A forced “sorry” can teach shame. A guided repair can teach responsibility. “What did you notice about her face?” “What can you do tomorrow that is different?” That is not therapy in the dining hall. It is simply treating the child as a person with a conscience, not a problem to be fixed.
- Ask about the room, not only the child. A bedroom, stable, classroom, or dining table can reveal the social map.
- Name the feeling, not the villain. “That sounds lonely” works better than “That kid is terrible.”
- Give the child a sentence to use. “I don’t want that joke with me” is easier than a lecture.
- Expect repair to take time. A shared apology may be real, but it may be only the first step.
- Watch the adults too. If teachers are exhausted, students learn that conflict is something people avoid.
Is boarding school for everyone? No. I would be lying if I said it were. There are children who thrive in a family-like house, with music rooms, mountain walks, and a teacher who knows their name and their mood. There are also children who need more distance from peers, more privacy, or a different kind of calm. If I am helping a family consider La Garenne school, I ask them to visit, eat there, sit in a house, and look for the ordinary moments. Because prevention lives in ordinary moments, not in a poster. It is whether the child can be seen when the mask slips.